What am I missing?

I'm going to give a disclaimer that this may be a very long post today folks.  I have been thinking about this blog for weeks and am finally getting around to finishing it. It may seem depressing, then upbeat, spastic, yet completely brilliant. haha I just heard the perfect word today and knew I needed to finish writing it! So here goes!

What am I missing about singleness? They say it's supposed to be the best time of your life. (I sure as heck don't know who this "they" is, but I don't think they were ever married) I mean Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that he wishes everyone could be single like him because we would all have more time to devote to the Lord than our spouses. I get that part, really I do. I only have to worry about me. I do what I want, I buy what I want, I go where I want. I also know that I probably have more time to spend serving the Lord than say a wife and mother of 4 kids. Do I use all of this free time for this purpose? No, but we'll get to that later. But then Paul goes on to say that "those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you of this." Paul, did you not have any troubles as a single? Seriously, I read that passage and think, wow so only married people have troubles Paul? I'm screwed then because Lord knows I've got some problems in my life! He says that a married woman's concerns are of pleasing her husband and an unmarried woman's concerns are of pleasing the Lord. This is the verse that really sticks out to me. I'm a nurturer. I like to take care of people and I can't wait one day to please my husband (in more ways than one ;) BUT for the time being I don't have a husband to take care of. So as Paul says my full attention should be on the Lord.

So I got to thinking. Is my full attention really on the Lord? Am I really concerned with pleasing the Lord? What should I be doing with my life right now that I can't do when I'm married? Why did Paul make such a big stink about being single and how great it was? What am I missing?!? Because being single has kind of sucked the past 25 years.

So while doing all this thinking, I heard 2 songs and 1 sermon that have just rocked my world and I think have answered my questions. The first song is Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets. One part of this song says "Make me lonely so I can be yours, till I want no one more than you Lord. Cause in the darkness, I know you will hold me. Make me lonely." Wow oh wow. I've asked God for a lot of thing, but not once have I asked him to make me lonely. I have asked many times quiet the opposite. The Lord has a funny way of answering prayers sometimes. I realized all those lonely nights laying in bed or lonely nights watching TV, God has just been calling me. God wants me to want him. He wants to be all I need. He desires a deep, intimate relationship with him. He wants to pursue me. In him, there is no loneliness. In him we are complete and perfect and lacking nothing. In him we are satisfied. Which brings me to the 2nd song that in hearing I immediately googled the lyrics because they were so great! It's called Satisfied by About a Mile.

Through the struggles I face

When contentment starts to fade

Through the constant wondering

When my doubt is crippling

This will be my, this will be my prayer

I'm letting go of my fears

And believing that You're here

No matter what my future holds

You are God, You are in control

And this will be my, this will be my prayer

Let Your song be the song I sing

Through the blessings and burdens this life will bring

In You alone I'm satisfied

And all I need is Your sacrifice

I have more than I deserve

You gave me Your life

In You alone I'm satisfied

Another sucker punch to the heart. In HIM ALONE are we satisfied. No Job, money, power, husband, kids can satisfy us. It's an amazing concept really. We are all searching for something to make us whole and happy. We can look to everything else, but the one source of true and complete Joy. I wish we all could just get this through our heads! We don't need to look anywhere else! He is it! Abba father! 

So in hearing these songs I was thinking about how to be completely satisfied in the Lord and once again what am I missing about singleness? How can I be more concerned with the lord affairs? I kept thinking that I need to do more. I need to serve more. I need to evangelize more. I need to love more. Sure all of those things are great and I should be doing them, but I realized it's not so much what I'm physically doing but more the condition of my heart. Am I satisfied completely in him? Am I so lonely that I run to him instead of online dating? Am I so lonely that I run to him instead of texting the guy I know I shouldn't?  Do I want him more than I want a husband and kids? The answer to these questions is currently no. That needs to change. 

So I listen to sermons on my way to work every morning. Today I started Pastor Mike's I Am series and boy am I glad I did! This sermon was from months ago, but it was exactly what I needed to hear today. The whole point of the message was this: What we mediate on is what we magnify, and what we magnify is what will control us. So basically whatever we focus on all the time will consume us and will take us away from Jesus. We need to mediate on Jesus so we can magnify HIM and let him be who consumes us. I mediate on so many things other than the Lord its ridiculous. My job is a big thing for me now, but something that I always mediate on is my singleness. Its constantly on the forefront of my mind. At night I check online dating sites to see if there is anyone out there. I lay in bed and think about the guy I was "talking to" a few weeks ago and how badly I want to just text him to see how he is. I'm always on the look out. I am always thinking, talking, searching, praying for this one thing. I meditate on  how it will happen or when I'll get married. By meditating on this, I'm magnifying it and in turn letting it consume me. 

Even before hearing this message, my dear roommate came to me with her own epiphany the other day that as much as we want to be pursued by a guy and we just want to to talk that guy, the Lord wants the same thing from us. As I lay in bed at night thinking about this guy and battling myself not to talk to him but so desperately wanting to, The Lord is battling for me and he so desperately wants to talk to me. So last night as I came SO close to texting that guy I just had this thought that I wish I was that desperate to talk to the Lord too. Then I heard this message today. I need to stop mediating on finding a man, I need to stop mediating on wanting to talk to this guy again, I need to stop letting this consume my thoughts. Because when we meditate on our storms, we magnify our storms. But when we mediate on Christ, we magnify Christ and those storms seem a lot less important because God is that much more real in my life. When I mediate on the "problem" of singleness in my life I only become drained and useless. If I would start meditating on things above, I would be uplifted and complete. So when I lay down at night I will stop meditating on this storm and set my eyes on Him. I know I WILL get married one day because The Lord will fulfill the desires of my heart. He gave me these desires to be a wife and a mother and I have no doubt he will give me those things. It will happen when The Lord wants it to happen. And until that time comes I am going to draw near to him. I am going to be satisfied in him first. If I can't be satisfied now, there is no way I can be satisfied when I'm married and more concerned about my husband and kids. So Lord, as difficult as this is to pray, keep making me lonely until you are all I need. Make me a woman after God's own heart. A woman who is so in love with you. A woman who is completely and utterly satisfied in her sweet and single life. 

LOVE

You know what was on my heart all day today??

LOVE

I spent the day with my niece at Sea world today and I thoroughly enjoy quality time loving on this little girl. We can be doing nothing but sitting and it's still just great to be with her. I adore her and would do just about anything for her. I just love loving her. 

Then on the way home when the little was sleeping my mom got all sappy and told me she really hopes she lives to see me get married and have babies. Now she's not sick or anything like that but you know how parents are...at least mine are and can get all emotional at any given time...So then I was thinking about how I can't wait for that either and I want to experience that kind of Love in life too (hopefully sooner rather than later, am I right God? :) 

Fast forward a few hours and I was talking to a friend about a tattoo I want to get (shocker! yes I want a tattoo!) and I had been going back and forth about what to get. I want something small and something that has importance to me. I thought about a cross or a bible verse but that just didn't seem right. I began sharing with this friend something I learned in Haiti and I just knew that it was perfect for my tattoo! He said that this tattoo would be a great way to share the gospel as well...And guess what it is?? LOVE  

While in Haiti one of the girls from a team in Alabama shared one night about Love. She read the verse John 13:34-35 which says “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Now I've been a Christian my whole life and I've heard this verse countless times. Of course we know as Christ followers that we are called to love others. But do we really follow this commandment? And do others know that we are Christ followers based on our love for others? My answer to both those questions would be no.

The girl who shared this said that love can look many different ways. It can be loving your spouse or your family members. It can  be loving your friends and walking with them through difficult times. It can just be hugging orphans, or painting old ladies nails. It can be being nice to the person no one is nice too. It can be building a house for the poor, or giving a good tip to the server who was lousy. It could be washing the feet of a dirty homeless man, or just smiling at a stranger. Love is shown in so many different ways. Love is not easy. It can be messy, hard, confusing, and not seem worth it. But trust me it is so worth it. If Christ called us to do it then it will be worth it one day when he looks at us and says "well done my good and faithful servant" I want him to say that I loved well and I loved deeply.  

I challenge all of you to look at your life and see where you could love more. Where could you give more grace to people and love them like Christ loves you? God doesn't just say to love, but to love like he loves us...now that's quite a bit of love! The Lord loves us with an everlasting love and there is nothing we can do to make Him stop loving us! 

I am calling myself out here and hopefully others will feel the same pull on their heart as I did when I was in Haiti hearing this word. I have not been doing an excellent job loving others. Sure we all have bad days and get frustrated with people but I bet if we go into every day with the mindset of John 13:34-35 then we will be more likely to show Christ's love and less likely to have those "bad days." 

One last verse for you to chew on that blows my mind every time I read it. 

1 John 4: 8 "Anyone who does not love does not know God. Because God is love." 

#BOOM 

My heart is in Haiti

I'm not even sure how to put into words all that I have learned in the past 10 days, but I am sure going to try! I had the most incredible opportunity to travel to Haiti with the Northwest Haiti Christian Mission last week. I would love to tell you all the amazing things we did while we were there but that would take me forever and you probably wouldn't want to read it! But lucky for you, my trip was well documented by photos that you can check out on my Facebook. :) The real reason for writing this blog post is to share my heart and how the Lord has changed it on this trip.

I went into this trip not exactly knowing what to expect. I had never been on a missions trip and none of us has been with this organization before either. The first day we got there, my whole team (at least us girls) were thinking "what the heck did we get ourselves into?" We had just rode a bus for 6 hours with no air conditioning on the bumpiest rockiest roads probably in all of Haiti. Meanwhile most all the other people on the bus had done this before and I just kept thinking why did any of them come back after this torture?? None of us asked each other how we were doing because we probably would have broken down at any point. For the first few days my team would joke with each other saying "oh next time we come we'll do this or do that" But we all knew there was no way we were coming back.

Well...that all started to change maybe 3 days into the trip. We started working with the orphanage girls and my heart obviously started melting. A lot of the kids can understand English but can't speak it and most of the older girls CAN speak English but choose not to...so annoying! lol But it's amazing how God is bigger than the language we speak. We somehow got to know these girls despite the language barrier and by the end of the trip I did not want to leave and could not wait to get back to Haiti to see my sweet girls again and tell them "Jezi remme ou!" The tent camping, the smelly bathrooms, the not so great food, the heat, and everything else I was not liking about Haiti seemed oh so insignificant compared to what the Lord was doing there with these kids and with me.

Every night we had devotions with everyone at the missions and one night we sang the song Oceans by Hillsong. I've sang this song many times, but this time it meant so much more than normal.

Sprit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger in he presence of my Savior

I will call upon your name

Keep my eyes above the waves 

My soul will rest in your embrace

 I am Yours and You are mine

I definitely feel like the Lord lead me to where my trust is without borders in Haiti. In America I feel like it is so easy to just put God in a little box on the shelf and pull Him out when I need him. It's easy to feel like we don't need God. Sure I trust God, but I feel like I put limits, or borders, on his trust. But in Haiti, my trust has grown by leaps and bounds. There were so many things that I had to put my trust in the Lord for. I couldn't keep him in my little box anymore, and coming back to America he is not going back in that box!! I love the last few lines of this song, My soul will rest in your embrace, I am yours and You are mine. I really felt this sense of peace, like I really am the Lords and he is mine. I didn't have to worry about anything else, but just feeling secure and at rest in his presence.

I also learned a new song on this trip called Slow me Down Lord. And the song is in fact slow and drags a little, but I loved the words! 

Slow me down oh Lord slow me down

Help my heart to hear Your sound

Speak into my life Lord speak now

Slow me down oh Lord slow me down

Clear my mind oh Lord clear my mind

Bring me peace that I cannot find

Take my worldly thoughts break my pride

Clear my mind oh Lord clear my mind

Wake my soul oh Lord wake my soul

With this mess I’ve made make me whole

Of this life called mine take control

Wake my soul oh Lord wake my soul

Slow me down oh Lord slow me down

Help my heart to hear Your sound

Speak into my life Lord speak now

Slow me down oh Lord, Slow me down

Oh lord, slow me down. I need this reminder every single stinkin day. It is SO easy to get caught up in life. In Haiti, I was forced to slow down. There was a lot of great ministry things we did each day but there was also a lot of down time in the evenings where I was able to slow down. I didn't have to think about work or bills. I didn't have to think about being lonely and wanting to find a husband. I was just surrounded by the Lord, doing his work with some other really great people. 

This has become way longer than I have intended! Props if you've read all this way! I could say so much more about my time in Haiti, but I think that is enough for one night! I am so incredibly thankful for this trip and I cannot wait to get back to Haiti and love on my babies! Thank you Jesus for loving me so I could love others and tell them about you. 

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.