Am I really meant to do this?

     This week has been one of those weeks where I ask myself if teaching is really what I am called to do. I have never been so discouraged than I am now. The chapter that we are learning in math is extremely difficult and the students are not understanding the concept. I feel like a failure as a teacher because my students aren't getting it. I rack my head for different ways for them to get it, but nothing is working! You're gonna laugh when I tell you that we are trying to add 3 numbers, such as 7+3+4. Easy for us, very hard for first graders. And that is easy compared to doubles plus one/minus one facts! Ugh! I hate the mentioning of them! Of course math is the first thing we do of the day and it always just starts my day off on the wrong foot. I end up yelling at the kids, because when they don't understand something they sit there like they aren't supposed to be doing anything and either stare off into space or talk to the kids around them. I hate the teacher I become in the mornings. I have had more crying melt-downs this week than I have had all year, from the kids, not me. lol The kids are frustrated because they dont' understand, I am frustrated because they don't understand, I'm upset at myself because I think I am doing something wrong, and I am mad that the curriculum thinks the students need to learn this because it really isn't developmentally appropriate for 6 year olds! I basically just feel anger when I think about our math curriculum right now! Teaching children to add should not be this difficult! You think that it's so easy to teach math to 1st graders but it's extremely difficult to teach something that comes so natural to you. Adding 5+6 is natural and automatic for us, but for my babies it's a foreign concept they are learning.

    The lord is definitely testing my patience this semester. I was listening to the Steven Curtis Chapman song Do Everything on my way to school yesterday and it says in one part of the song "God made you to do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face." I was thinking about that as my day went along and when I became frustrated with my students I thought "would God be smiling if I yelled at them and was being mean just so they would listen or would he smile if I kept my calm and talked to them nicely but firmly." I think it's the latter. Sometimes there does require a certain amount of raising your voice to get students to listen, but I really want to be one of those teachers that doesn't have to raise her voice. I think you can train your students by using cues and other signals instead of yelling at them constantly. A lot of children hear yelling at home all the time and that's the last thing I want them to experience at school because they will just shut down when I yell at them. I am learning so much about behavioral management this semester and I can't wait to try them all out in my own classroom. Despite the fact that this week has me completely wore out and wondering if I can really do this for the rest of my life (well not my whole life because let's be honest, I want to be stay at home mom and housewife) I know that this is where I am supposed to be. The kids may get on my last nerve but I love those little rascals and I am going to be the teacher that bawls on the last day of class. I already don't know how I am going to say goodbye to them in a month. 


    Not much is going on in my life right now besides school. When I'm not at school I am home thinking about school, lesson planning, looking up ideas for school, baking for school, and doing homework for college( crap I JUST realized I have a discussions that's due tonight!!) I still manage to work in the nursery at my church and you would think that I am tired of being around kids after my long days at school, but somehow the nursery is my sanity. I spend my days with crazy 6 year olds and then get to snuggle with precious 1 year olds who I can tell all about how Jesus loves them.  It's refreshing :) I also enjoy working with this lady Janice on Wednesday nights. She is probably my mom's age and it's just nice to have older women to talk to sometimes. She is also a teacher so we have a lot to talk about :)  I am also learning a lot about myself lately. I realized after two intense conversations with good friends that I desire marriage way more than I desire God. I always knew this but never wanted to admit it really. But now that I have, I am trying my best to overcome this and make God my number 1 desire all the time. I want him to be enough. If I'm not content with only God now, I will never be content and getting married and having kids will never make me content. I can only be content in Christ. Some days it's hard but I take it day by day and pray every morning that God will be all I want and need today. Surely, but slowly I believe I will get there and truly see that I will be content with God and only him. I can say this over and over in my head and I know it makes sense, but there is a disconnect when actually living it and believing it. I have been so distracted lately with some things that happened back in January and I am praying and working on moving past those issues. I have spent a few days this week doing my quite times at my new favorite coffee/cupcake shop, Patticakes, this week and that has been really great. And I adore the cute little owner who was a teacher and is a christian! :) I am more than ever inspired to open and own a cupcake shop :) That's a whole different blog post thought :) 

     Well that's a little bit about what's going on in this little sweet and single life of mine :) I pray you are all doing wonderful! Remember I love you all, but someone else loves you way more! I hope whoever is reading this realizes that the stinkin creator of this universe made you wonderful and he loves you with an incredible everlasting love. You can never do anything to make him love you any more or less. His love is perfect, and all we need :) :)