Convicted...again

So I woke up this morning and thought it was going to be a great day, but then I heard some news and BAM my jealous heart was at it again. I really wish I could control this thing, because I don't WANT to be jealous of people but it happens. It creeps into your mind and eats away at your mind and heart. I texted a friend and told her the news and I was sure she was going to respond with "oh yeah that sucks" and give me some pep talk to make me feel wonderful again. And at this point I wasn't even thinking about my heart. I just wanted someone to be on my side and basically to tell me it was okay to be jealous. Well, you know what she said..."Oh man. How is your heart?" Ouch. Thank Jesus for friends who are willing to be honest with me. I adore this girl and her precious heart and just a side note want to tell her thank you for spurring me in my relationship with the Lord today.

So, anyways I checked my heart and responded to her that yes my heart was jealous and I needed to spend some time with the Lord. She responded "that's a good idea. Jesus knows your heart. go talk to him." (she always knows what to say :) So this lead to my hour long quite time with the lord this morning. WHICH another incredible side not: at church on Sunday Pastor Robbie preached about prayer and how it can change your life. He encouraged everyone to start praying for an hour a day and literally cry out to God. At church, I thought "oh that's a nice idea, but I don't know if I can pray for an hour, maybe I'll try 30 minutes." Oh ye of little faith. Jesus knew what he was doing today when I got this news. He wants me to pray for an hour a day. I prayed for an hour today and could have kept going. It was so refreshing and just what I needed.. If I can watch t.v. or be on facebook for more than an hour, I can spend some time talking to my best friend for an hour, AT LEAST!

As I was praying Psalms 51:10 came into my mind. It says " Create in me a pure heart, O Lord and renew a steadfast spirit within me." How incredible is that verse. I have probably read it a hundred times it never really sunk in until today. Lord, give me a PURE heart. I want my heart to be wiped clean of this jealousy that consumes me. I want the lord to transform my heart and make it like his. I want him to take away the jealousy and in place of it fill me with compassion, forgiveness, acceptability, love, joy, kindness, faithfulness, peace, contentment, and generosity. I want to live, move, and breath for Christ. The second part of this verse also spoke to me today: renew a steadfast spirit within me. I have been in a valley for a while, not spending time with the Lord and feeling just drained. After my time with the lord today I saw what I have been missing out on. The Lord poured into me today and I know that if I keep doing this steadfastly I will feel that passion again. The same friend I spoke about earlier once told me "I want to desire Christ more than I desire marriage, more than I desire anything else in life and I am just not there yet." Well friend neither am I. I desire a lot of things more than I desire God right now. And this morning I got a little taste of how good it feels to desire God and it is WAY better than any other desire. I want to desire his word and his truth over anything else. I think I will get there, if I keep having more days like today.

The rough start of my morning turned my day into a GREAT day!! Not that this was a real trial or tribulation, but it was my own little hurdle and I think that God gives us these hurdles to jump over so we can draw closer to him on the other side. If your life is going perfect, you find that you need God less and less. And I don't ever want to need God less. So for now, I will rejoice in my sufferings because "my comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life." Not only did I spend time with my abba father, I got to lay by the pool, went to a ZUMBA class, which kicked my butt, and I went to my weight watchers meeting and guess what?? I love 2.4 pounds this week! woot woot! Even after eating a cupcake on Sunday and 4 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies yesterday. oops.

So friends, I am going to be continually praying for God to create in me a pure heart by steadfastly living my life with and for Him every day. May we all desire Christ more than anything else. :)

Tag, I'm it!

the rules: 

1. you must post the rules

2. post eleven facts about yourself on the blog post

3. answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post,

 and then create eleven new questions to as the people you've tagged

4. tag eleven people and link them on your post

5. let them know you've tagged them

11 FACTS ABOUT ME!

1. If you didn't know this already, I lived in Japan for 3 years! I'm a military kid :)

2. I have never had a boyfriend! I'm picky and am holding out for the right one ;)

3. I dye my hair and cut it often because I get bored.

4. I am currently doing Weight Watchers. I did it previously and lost 30 pounds, gained 20 back and am on it again! Down 1.6lbs this week! Slow and steady wins the race is what I keep telling myself! :)

5. Everyone knows this but I love to bake and want to open up a cupcake shop one day. CAN'T WAIT! It will be all pink and all girl.

6. DVR is my best friend.

7. My dream vacation is to go to Bora Bora or some exotic place and stay in one of these fabulous bungalows right in the ocean :) Perhaps my honeymoon? :)

8. My new obsession is making ribbon wreaths with my roomie!

9. I want to adopt a child from Africa one day! My family will look something like this :)

10. I am literally OBSESSED with anything yellow and grey! I have already picked out new bedding for my room in yellow and gray and found pictures to hang on the wall from etsy :)

11. I adore aprons and have 12 right now. If I see a cute one I can't not buy it. Its really an investment in my future because I plan to wear one every day when I work in my cupcake shop :) 

Questions from Megan:

1. how do you start your days?

Well this semester is quite lovely. I don't have class until 5pm, SO I set my alarm for 9:30 and eat breakfast and do my quite time first thing in the morning. Then my roomies and I go to the gym after that Monday-Thursday. 

2. whats your favorite movie of all time?

oh man, I can't pick one favorite, but one classic I LOVE is little rascals! 

3. name one thing you miss from the 90's.

Tamagotchis

4. if you won the lottery, whats the first thing you'd do with the money?

Pay off my student loans

5. if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

right now it would be Nashville, TN although I would really miss the beach! that's a tough one!

6. what do you want to be when you grow up?

Teacher, wife, mother

7. whats your biggest pet peeve?

When you're driving behind someone going slower and you go around them and then they speed up! hate that!!

8. whats your favorite time of the year? and why

Fall/Winter-love the cooler weather and the holidays!

9. who's the first person you call when you need to vent?

My bestie Lindy :) and I would text her because I don't like to talk on the phone that much :)

11. whats your favorite food?

ice cream and cupcakes...the 2 most important food groups ;)

Questions for my tags!

1.  If you could travel anywhere where would it be?

2. Whats your favorite nail polish color? :)

3. What would your dream job be?

4. What is your favorite bible verse?

5. One family memory from your childhood?

6. What's one thing you can't live without?

7. Who is the most inspiring person in your life?

8. What is one thing you wish you have but you don't?

9. What is something you would do if you weren't afraid to do it?

10. What is your biggest fear?

11. If you could pick a book to describe yourself what would it be and why?

My tags
Kristi @ A window to yours truly
Kyla @ Becoming founded in Love
Leah @ Fullness of Joy
Sarah @  The Mommy Diaries
Jenn @ On a path toward home

Out with the old, in with the new!

Well friends 2011 is over! This year has been good in some ways and not so good in other ways. It's been a year of growth and change. Let's see I went on my first date, graduated from college, started grad school, gained a few really good new friends, taught 1st grade full time, learned how to become more independent by supporting myself financially, and had lots of fun memories with amazing friends and family. But 2011 has also been a lackluster year. I didn't lose as much weight as I hoped and looking back I could just kick myself for wasting the whole year. I could have handled some situations differently, but that's part of what has made me grow. I didn't spend nearly enough time with Jeaus this year. All of my really good friends with the exception of one has gotten engaged this year. I could not be more happy for these wonderful friends but honestly it hurt a little more each time another one got engaged. So this year was not good for contentment. And before I hear a speech from any of you reading this I know my time will come and God is going to bring me the perfect man in his timing. Most days I am confident in that reassurance but it's quite difficult to stay joyfully happy when all your friends are getting married and are so happy.it's like I'm watching them all start their lives with their husbands while I sit around and have to be content just waiting to start mine. And it's not just my friends. My brother got married this year so now I am the only single one in the family. It makes me feel left out when I'm with all my family. I sit at my family gatherings and I see my brothers and my parents so happy and in love and I want someone to share life with like that. And I am realizing that this post is making me seem like a little selfish girl who is just jealous of people getting exactly what she wants. And that is exactly what it is and it's terrible. I am jealous of everyone who has a man and I hate that. God does not like a jealous heart. I don't normally have any real resolutions for the new year. I always just say to loae weight. But this year I have a few specific things I really need to change and I am really going to press on to reach these goals this year. Sooo in 2012 I am going to: -work on my jealous heart -spend an hour a day with God -lose 50 pounds -stick to my cash only budget system No resolutions about a man. It's not my timing it's God's and I won't be pursuing any boy. If he likes me than he wil Pursue me like a dying man pursuing water in a dessert :) So by the end of 2012 I could still be single, dating someone, engaged, or heck even married! We shall see what this year brings. For now I am focusing on me and God. We're running this race together and if this is he year he decides to give me a running partner then great, but if not that's okay too and I'm not going to be mad or discontent because of what others have. :) I am really excited to see what this year will bring :) oh and another resolution: blog more :) :)

Dream Big

    It's been a while friends! I sorta forget about my lovely little blogging world! There is SO much I could talk about that has been on my mind lately, a lot I can't share, but I do want to share something really important!! It has been my DREAM  to open up a cupcake shop. It has always been in the back of my head as something I would do later when I'm married and have kids, because of course I'll have more time then (yeah right). In the beginning I just though oh that sounds fun but didn't really think it would happen. WELL, over thanksgiving my dad (who doesn't know I have this dream) says to me "why don't you just forget teaching and open up a cupcake shop?" I told him that I actually had always thought of that and that sounded wonderful to me. My mom says oh yeah I'll help you bake and your dad can run the business side of it! How perfect, right? So lately my mind has been wandering to this idea. When I can't sleep I think about the shop and I dream about names, colors, displays, cupcake flavors and frosting ideas, to-go containers, logos, and a website! I mean I could spend hours day dreaming about it. Well it just so happens that my home town of good ole Melbourne, FL doesn't have a single cupcake shop and I just think that our we need a great one! I have found the most perfect little shop that is probably completely out of my price range :( I still went ahead and e-mailed somebody about how much it was to lease the shop...still waiting on a response. It already has a cute little pink awning out front and is in a prime spot for people to visit!

      Now this dream is so great, and for how excited I am about it, I also get equally depressed about it and talk myself out of it. What do I know about running a business, I can't even manage my personal finances. I'd have to take out a business loan when I already have student loans, is that something a crazy person would do? How do I even write a business proposal to take to the bank to start the loan process or everything that goes along with it? What if I fail, what if I make no money and I wasted all my time, money, and energy? I also think about how I loveeeeee teaching. Okay well I should say I LOVE the kids, not the political crap that goes on outside of actually teaching. There is just SO much junk that goes on these days in the school system. EVERY teacher I meet or talk to tries to talk me out of being a teacher. That's really encouraging. But if I don't step up and teach these kids, who will? So I keep thinking that maybe I should take a step back from my dreams for now and teach for a couple years to save up to open the business, but it's hard when I am so excited about it! Yes I love my students and teaching but I also love baking and I would LOVE to be able to bake all day for a living and share my goodies with everyone. If you know me at all then you know how much I love to bake for people. I would have people over for dinner every day or give away baked goods every day to people. Baking and giving it away is my love language. (Hope my hubby will appreciate that :) )  And I selfishly want to be the first person to open up a cupcake shop in Melbourne :) I don't want to wait a few years and by then there will be like 3 open!

Decisions, decisions....All I know is it WILL happen one day. Whether it is next year or in 2 years look out for Jenn's Cupcake Corner (still working on names, let me know if you have any ideas!!) I will continue to be praying about it and seeing what doors God opens and I would love if you would join me in praying for direction, confidence, wisdom, and strength! I can't wait to share this exciting journey with all! It really is a sweet and single life (although these days the singleness isn't so sweet...but that's a whole other blog!) One day it will just be a sweet sweet life. :)

Am I really meant to do this?

     This week has been one of those weeks where I ask myself if teaching is really what I am called to do. I have never been so discouraged than I am now. The chapter that we are learning in math is extremely difficult and the students are not understanding the concept. I feel like a failure as a teacher because my students aren't getting it. I rack my head for different ways for them to get it, but nothing is working! You're gonna laugh when I tell you that we are trying to add 3 numbers, such as 7+3+4. Easy for us, very hard for first graders. And that is easy compared to doubles plus one/minus one facts! Ugh! I hate the mentioning of them! Of course math is the first thing we do of the day and it always just starts my day off on the wrong foot. I end up yelling at the kids, because when they don't understand something they sit there like they aren't supposed to be doing anything and either stare off into space or talk to the kids around them. I hate the teacher I become in the mornings. I have had more crying melt-downs this week than I have had all year, from the kids, not me. lol The kids are frustrated because they dont' understand, I am frustrated because they don't understand, I'm upset at myself because I think I am doing something wrong, and I am mad that the curriculum thinks the students need to learn this because it really isn't developmentally appropriate for 6 year olds! I basically just feel anger when I think about our math curriculum right now! Teaching children to add should not be this difficult! You think that it's so easy to teach math to 1st graders but it's extremely difficult to teach something that comes so natural to you. Adding 5+6 is natural and automatic for us, but for my babies it's a foreign concept they are learning.

    The lord is definitely testing my patience this semester. I was listening to the Steven Curtis Chapman song Do Everything on my way to school yesterday and it says in one part of the song "God made you to do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face." I was thinking about that as my day went along and when I became frustrated with my students I thought "would God be smiling if I yelled at them and was being mean just so they would listen or would he smile if I kept my calm and talked to them nicely but firmly." I think it's the latter. Sometimes there does require a certain amount of raising your voice to get students to listen, but I really want to be one of those teachers that doesn't have to raise her voice. I think you can train your students by using cues and other signals instead of yelling at them constantly. A lot of children hear yelling at home all the time and that's the last thing I want them to experience at school because they will just shut down when I yell at them. I am learning so much about behavioral management this semester and I can't wait to try them all out in my own classroom. Despite the fact that this week has me completely wore out and wondering if I can really do this for the rest of my life (well not my whole life because let's be honest, I want to be stay at home mom and housewife) I know that this is where I am supposed to be. The kids may get on my last nerve but I love those little rascals and I am going to be the teacher that bawls on the last day of class. I already don't know how I am going to say goodbye to them in a month. 


    Not much is going on in my life right now besides school. When I'm not at school I am home thinking about school, lesson planning, looking up ideas for school, baking for school, and doing homework for college( crap I JUST realized I have a discussions that's due tonight!!) I still manage to work in the nursery at my church and you would think that I am tired of being around kids after my long days at school, but somehow the nursery is my sanity. I spend my days with crazy 6 year olds and then get to snuggle with precious 1 year olds who I can tell all about how Jesus loves them.  It's refreshing :) I also enjoy working with this lady Janice on Wednesday nights. She is probably my mom's age and it's just nice to have older women to talk to sometimes. She is also a teacher so we have a lot to talk about :)  I am also learning a lot about myself lately. I realized after two intense conversations with good friends that I desire marriage way more than I desire God. I always knew this but never wanted to admit it really. But now that I have, I am trying my best to overcome this and make God my number 1 desire all the time. I want him to be enough. If I'm not content with only God now, I will never be content and getting married and having kids will never make me content. I can only be content in Christ. Some days it's hard but I take it day by day and pray every morning that God will be all I want and need today. Surely, but slowly I believe I will get there and truly see that I will be content with God and only him. I can say this over and over in my head and I know it makes sense, but there is a disconnect when actually living it and believing it. I have been so distracted lately with some things that happened back in January and I am praying and working on moving past those issues. I have spent a few days this week doing my quite times at my new favorite coffee/cupcake shop, Patticakes, this week and that has been really great. And I adore the cute little owner who was a teacher and is a christian! :) I am more than ever inspired to open and own a cupcake shop :) That's a whole different blog post thought :) 

     Well that's a little bit about what's going on in this little sweet and single life of mine :) I pray you are all doing wonderful! Remember I love you all, but someone else loves you way more! I hope whoever is reading this realizes that the stinkin creator of this universe made you wonderful and he loves you with an incredible everlasting love. You can never do anything to make him love you any more or less. His love is perfect, and all we need :) :) 

Love is the answer

So today my kids were crazy, wild, impatient, fighting, talkative, not listening, and downright bad BUT still they pull at my heart strings. Ever day it seems like my students are trying to marry me off. Today I heard "Ms. Fike you need to find a man, get married, and have kids so they can come to this school." They practically begged me today to get a husband. In fact the kids started chanting it at the lunchroom table. Where do 6 year olds come up with these things? And not one boy is chanting at me to get married, it's the 9 girls in the class. I guess it goes to show how early girls get the idea that when they grow up they have to find a man, get married, and have kids.  But one girl said "you can't get a man because then you'll leave me like everyone else does" Talk about heart breaking. I know that her mom and dad aren't together and I can only assume she has had some experience with men "taking" her mom away from her. I told this little girl that I wasn't going anywhere, man or not! She got the biggest smile on her face, hugged me and said ok. It really got me thinking about how much some of these kids just need to be loved on and sometimes that is more important than learning to add or read. Some of these kids go home to families that love them and encourage them, but others go home to broken families. These kids never hear their parent(s) say I love you, never get hugs, and are talked down to all the time. These poor kids would thrive if they were just given some love and support. It is SO SO SO important to take the time to show these kids that you respect them(so then they will respect you), tell them and show them that you love them enough to disciple them,and tell them that you will always love them no matter what happens, and that you believe in them. These kids think they can't do things and it is my job to show them they can because I believe in them and want to see them succeed.I wish I could just hug them and tell them all about Jesus and how much he loves them and that they can do "all things through Christ" Unfortunately I can't do this in public schools, BUT I can show them through my example. I can be a light to these kids with my actions and kind words even if I can't tell them directly about Jesus.

Life of a 1st grade teacher

To say that life is crazy right now would be an understatement.  I am working 40 hours a week and not getting paid for it (Internships are aweeessome). I am taking an online class. I work about 10 hours a week in the nursery at church. Yet with all of that, I am LOVING life. I wouldn't change a thing. As much as my 19 6-year-olds test my patience and make me want to pull my hair out, I love them all. They beg me to take them home with me, be their mom, tell me I'm the best teacher ever, and hug me non-stop. I love teaching them something new and seeing their improvements. I DON'T love all the unnecessary crap, and yes it is crap, that teachers have to do. Just let me teach. It is pretty ridiculous what they expect of teachers these days. I am learning a lot through my internship, but one of the the things I am almost sure of is that I don't want to teach in Gainesville. Alachua county has some interesting requirements for teachers that other counties do not have. But I may only get offered a job in Gainesville, which in that case I would take. But come April I will definitely be looking for jobs elsewhere :) I'm not thinking about that yet though because I can't even do anything until I graduate!

So teaching basically consumes my life right now. I come home and work on lesson plans, make smart-board lessons, or do homework for my class. Whenever I have free time on the weekends I am at the Gator football games or at church :) On my days off all I want to do is sit on my couch and relax! I am slowly gaining more energy though.  The first week of interning I went to bed by 8:45 every night! Now it's more like 9:30 ;) I also have a problem. I cannot sleep in anymore. On Saturdays I roll over to check the time on my phone and it's oh about 5:45 every time. I tell myself "you have got to be kidding me" So I toss around for a couple hours and am usually up by 7:30. It is really crappy. Oh well!! I usually get up and get stuff done around the house so I can relax later!

Another big thing that is happening in my life is weight watchers again! Round 2! I was trying to do it on my own, but it just wasn't working. I would lose like a pound here and then gain 3, lose .5...obviously not a good cycle. So I decided I needed more accountability and weight watchers worked well for me before so I was going to try again! I only got the online WW, so I don't go to meetings, but I do my own little weigh ins on Saturday's. I have been trying to work out more now that I am getting more energy and adjusting to my hours a little better. Now this will come as a real shocker to most of you, but I have actually gotten up at 5am and worked out before work. I know, mind-blowing. I am NOT a morning person AT ALL. When I wake up I don't want anyone talking to me for at least an hour! haha Seriously. BUT when you have to be bright and chipper with 6 year olds at 7:45 in the morning, you learn to become a morning person. So sometimes I just have to get the workout over in the morning. Hopefully I will stick to WW better this time because I am paying for it with my own money :) I also started reading this book called Made to Crave. It's about replacing your cravings for food with God. I am learning that I rely on food more than I rely on God. Food has been my comfort, joy, and reward. Instead of turning to food when I am stressed or sad, I should turn to God. Seems like a no-brainer, but sometime it really isn't. I never thought about it but the lady talks about how the devil uses food as a temptations for women. Look at the first sin, Eve ate what she wasn't supposed to eat. The devil used food to tempt her. He could have used anything else, but food is obviously something difficult for women. She could have had any other food she wanted in the garden but she wanted that apple. Sound like anything you've ever done? I want that chocolate chip cookie. It looks so good and I know it will just satisfy everything I am wanting right now. But clearly it is not good for me and the devil just twists my mind into thinking it will be okay if I eat it. The book suggests to pray whenever you have a craving for something you know you shouldn't eat. The other day I really wanted an Oreo. I had one on my desk during lunch and I sat and stared at it weighing my options to see if it was worth it or not. Finally I practically yelled at myself no and threw it in the trash! haha I threw it away and prayed for God to take away these cravings and prayed that I would crave to be with him more than I would crave that Oreo. It may seem silly to pray about not eating an Oreo, but it's sometime the little silly things that really work! Another thing I am learning from this book is to write scriptures on index cards and put them up all over my house and car and read them whenever I feel like giving in or giving up. One of my favorite is  "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." It really helps to quote this to yourself when you want what you know you shouldn't have. Sure I could have that Oreo and I could think of a way that it would be permissible, but would it really benefit me? Is it good for my body? Will it satisfy my hunger? No and No. So yeah, basically I am learning a lot :)

This turned out to be WAY longer than I thought it would be and my roomie just asked "are you still blogging over there" I think that means it is time to sign off :) I am now going to go to bed at 8:30 :) Maybe a 5am workout! :) Have a great week ya'll :)